Thinking About The Future

I’ve been thinking about the future lately, something I haven’t done in ages. Something if you live in chronic pain you too have avoided thinking about for quite some time like me since it isn’t happy and hopeful like it might be for others but scary and impossible and often hopeless.

To be fair though, although I have been thinking of the future I haven’t been like you would expect a twenty something to think, but more like I did as a child in the “wouldn’t it be fun if I were/ could do...” sort of manner. Granted within that I have been trying to make sure my mind doesn’t wander into anything that requires a/or much education and many other limits but I have been thinking.

I spend allot of my free time looking on blogs that inspire me to refinish furniture, or make this or that and I love it. I have always loved doing things where there was a true finished product at the end of my work, something I could look at and think “I did that”. The reality is those things I don’t think could make me money and even if I wanted to try we have no true place that I could use as a shop here, so like S my dreams might depend on our winning the lotto and us each having our own shop (his for working on cars, and mine for working on furniture/making things unlike his I would want mine well heated). Right now though what could I do? I should try and get a part time job at something local but each time I get really set on that my pain gets worse for a month making me feel useless.

I also have a choice in my head going over and over again (well only a choice if I am hired by who I want) and that is when I look for work do I find a place I won’t really enjoy overly so if and when they fire me it won’t hurt so bad or do I try to find something I will like and hope I can make it work? I know letting fear get in the way of life is bad but it’s me fear and it has been for ages. The thought of being fired and outright told I am useless is more then I can handle even if the alternative is wasting my savings to live on and feeling useless at home doing nothing with no chance to social with anyone outside of S.

(Warning this part gets extremely off topic into my fears of next week)
While thinking about possible futures I have realised I love animals and recently a vet moved extremely close to us (there are now 2 veterinary offices within walking distance one that is a doable walk even on a not great day). I was thinking perhaps I could try to get a job there cleaning cages or something along those lines part time and then in my other time I can try to be a better “housewife” since right now I am a terrible one. In fact I had my mother over yesterday to help me do some tidying/organizing so that something got done since I will be away over a week and when I return my grandmother will be seeing our place for the first time ever (intact although I have lived with S for 4years now this will be the first time she will have ever seen anywhere we have lived... well that brings up a sore nerve... anyways). The key is although I love my grandma she has always been a little rough around the edges and often says what she wants when she wants without thinking about how soul crushing her words might be, so even if I had this place up to S's expectations of perfect (WAY above my own) she will see the problems.

With the week away being with her my walls I build up while with her would have likely been shot to hell by the time we get back here so anything she says will hit me that much harder but hopefully it will be okay. Last week I was going into a week alone with her with hope, now after talking with some people I am more worried how it will be. Either way it is going to happen and with everything that is happening with selling her house perhaps she will be so distracted or happy about it that everything will be fine.

Clearly I lost my train of thought there, but there is no going back since now my mind is overrun with how the weekend+ week at the cottage with my grandma will go. I will have to remember at the time if it does go bad that I agreed to it since I did want to spend time with her and haven’t alone in ages, but also that it was so I would be able to attend my cousin’s Bridal shower that I otherwise had no way of getting to and I really wanted to be able to be there and see her likely one last time before her wedding.