Procrastination the best way to Avoid my current reality

I’ve always found myself to procrastinate, and this week is no different. I think it started out as a coping mechanism. As a very young child if I was told about something early on even if it was just letting me know we’d be going somewhere I’d start fixating on it and get myself so worked up that before we were to head out I’d be sick to my stomach, and at times it would make doing what was planned impossible at worst and at best un-enjoyable due to how sick I’d end up feeling. After witnessing this, my parents would do their best to hold off on giving me information about trips, special activities or any plans that might get me excited until the very last minute so I wouldn’t get myself worked up. Well now I find I in some ways do the same thing to myself. On one hand I like to know things early so I can be prepared, BUT if I follow through with preparing early I get worked up. So here I am 1day 23hours from being on the operating table and none of the things I wanted to have done prior to surgery are done yet. I’m trying to get myself to do them now, but the moment I start to get into the swing of things I feel this pit in my stomach, preparing makes it real. If I just continue to procrastinate I get much less worked up, of course it also means I won’t be at all prepared around the house but at this moment in time feeling terribly sick and filled with anxiety is the more present issue.

If I was smart I would have prepped as much as possible last week, when I could also take the anxiety meds I was given due to this situation I find myself in, but than there’s a good chance I’d be prepared but find myself curled up in a total meltdown all this week. Who knows what would have been best. I know that I’ve had my meltdowns this week, but not as bad as I would have expected and in fact most of my meltdowns have focused around the fact I’ve been in a shit load of pain this week and it was just too much to cope with the pain and knowing I’d also be having surgery for a totally separate health issue that could turn out to be yet another health related nightmare added to my plate.

I think I’ve done well this week considering. Monday I ran out of my pain patch prescription without cluing in, normally I can just call and he will refill them when I am in a pinch but as I haven’t seen him in 6+months his reception is acting as a road block and told me I would have to see him before he would refill the script. She also suggested I could speak to my family dr. about it, well my family dr. I can’t see for over a week and I can’t go without my pain patches. luckily I hadn’t used the additional 1/2dose patches he prescribed so I had some of those still with refills, although I didn’t have them on hand so I went 24hours with only half the medication I’m prescribed. Now instead of one full dose Butrans patch I now have two 1/2 dose patches on, works the exact same its just not a long term solution as I am prescribed the half dose patches for a reason, to use in addition to my other patch as needed. Just irks me a bit as I know if the receptionist passed along the message the pain management dr. I have would have no issue prescribing another month or so until I can get in to see him when a cancellation appointment becomes available. The medications I’m on are impossible to abuse at least in any common way that I can think of and I’ve been on them for 2years now so I don’t see the issue but whatever I will deal with this mess after surgery is over with.

If I start to think about surgery though I start trembling, it’s weird though as someone who has been but under for 4 previous surgeries none of them fazed me really. I guess because this one affects a part of my body that I connect with femininity, sexuality and my being. It’s the last part that makes me female that hadn’t yet mistreated me, won’t do into all that but all the other parts that connect to women and their “femininity” have all seemed to stab me in the back so frankly I like my boobs, and I don’t want them messed up. This surgery will leave me with a scar even if the surgeon is able to do what she hopes to and hide as much as possible. The surgery could also leave me with a very visible keloid scar, in a very visible spot (even in my regular clothing) and possibly a clearly visible size difference between breasts and then there’s the chance of puckering or other healing issues. Even if it goes “perfectly” I am still 26 and having a lumpectomy. It also means that the last part of my body that I connect femininity and sexuality to that I didn’t yet hold some grudge against is now causing me issues at the least and at the worst trying to kill me. I of course hope that after surgery that pathology comes back and the tumor was cancer free, but having had a tumor found I’m sure I will always have it haunt me that what else or how many more tumors will show in my breasts in the years to come.

Arch Your Back

Well with surgery coming up I wanted to have some photo's taken, so I at least had a photographed evidence of my breasts "before" surgery, as even if this surgeon pulls off a seamless lumpectomy lets be real, I will have a scar. Though the doctor plans to hide the scar the best she can it will be for at least a couple years visible to anyone who sees me topless. For that reason I decided to enlist the help of a local photographer for some semi boudoir shots, not so much about making it sexy but pretty tops showing my assets as they are today. Photographer: Staceykennedyphotography

I was very nervous about the shoot as I hate when a camera is pointed at me even if I'm fully dressed. When I'm changing and topless I often find myself hiding from S's line of sight, it's just how I am.

We arrived at Stacey's home that she works out of when she does studio shots, and I think that fact it was a home helped me relax a little more. We chatted for a while once inside and that let me feel comfortable with who was behind the camera, something I also wasn't thinking could be possible. With me I've always been uncomfortable in front of cameras no matter now who is holding it, and no matter what photograph editing software I know is available. Sure when I weighed closer to the 100lb mark than the 200lb mark I was a but more comfortable with myself but that was ever only one on one with S and still not around others.

We started out the shoot with it being S and I as I figured family has been asking for some couple portraits of us for years, and it would be the best way to ease into having my photo taken having my sweetheart right by my side. This worked like a charm and we should have some good photos of the two of us out of it to share with family. This for them will mean being able to take down photos of us that they currently use that are between 5 and 6years old hehe (I really do avoid the camera).

Eventually my top came off and more photos were taken, will have to wait and see about how comfortable I am with them when I actually see them but I managed to relax during much of the shoot and even have fun.

The whole point of the shoot was so that I would have some nice photos to help sooth me going into surgery as I might come out looking rather different and it's a very scary thought. These photos in a way give me the ability to accept I might look rather altered in a week or so but have evidence of how I look today and that somehow helps.

I would never have expected to be needing to have part of my breast removed for medical reasons at 26 heck I don't think I'd have been able to imagine such necessity until 50+ at the earliest but here lies reality. That is the thing though, there's so much about my life and my health more specifically that I would never have thought could possibly happen to me or to such an extent. If I really dig into my thoughts about it all I know I'll cry and throw myself a pity party and that's not why I mention it. What I'm thinking about is you never know what might happen and in my life I try not to have regrets but like everyone I too have some. I find I would rather do something that perhaps others might question than later find myself regretting not having done what I wanted at that time. The "boobie photo shoot" is just that, I know some might look down on it but if I end up totally disfigured before the month is out I much rather have these photos than be wishing I had gotten them done.

Don't worry, I know I won't likely be badly disfigured (at least not with the surgeon I ended up booking with) but anything can happen. So you have to be prepared on one hand but also enjoy life as it happens and not get caught up in what others might think but do what is right for you. I don't plan on trying to be someone big and important so hell even if the photos all got out, I might be embarrassed but I'd be A-okay The best and funny moment of the evening, there I am sitting with studio lights on me being told to arch my back, Stacey clues in it sounds like she's shooting a porno with the directions she's giving me and I can't help but laugh cause although it sure isn't porn I was sitting there topless on someone else's bed in a house I'd never been to before while my partner looks on from a few feet away. It was a funny moment and I look forward to seeing how it translated to film (or digital pixels in this case).

So remember ladies, arch your back as good posture is important ha-ha.

Some of my Endometriosis Coping Essentials

1) One of the things I have used for the longest amount of time that I find very helpful since my periods have never like clockwork even while medically regulated.
a website : www.mymonthlycycles.com
I have used it for years so I can check when my last period was and also how long I was bleeding for and also how heavy I was bleeding and I can also add notes, all those features can be used with a free account and there is no time limit on using the site, though last week I did sign up for a 6month paid account since the features paying for look worth it to at least try out (will let people how I think it is later)



2) Rice bag heating pads, anyone who has endo knows of these unless they haven’t had their period very long at all. They can be bought in crafty type stores, online, through a pharmacy or you can even make them. They can get allot hotter than any water bottle and can hold heat longer and can be used often once after the other (though this will destroy them quicker but if you do destroy them you can always open them up, fill them again with some rice from your pantry, or cherry pits .... lots of options and sew it back up. I have made many and bought many, they come in all different shapes and materials.



3) Cloth pads, I started out with these when I was 19 I believe since wearing the disposable plastic ones just seemed to annoy me so much. For people who have a 2-3day period disposables wouldn’t seem as bad but for someone with a really heavy period to the point one must wear a pad when possibly it could arrive otherwise bleed through clothing on the way to the bathroom, and then when I was younger the normal 9 days of bleeding that was allot of time with pads on, and allot of garbage. It was generally about 14days of wearing pads give or take. So I started out making some and wearing them now and then and disposables now and then also. Now I generally buy my pads and they are amazing quality that way and last for a long time (haven’t worn one out yet). With care it is possible to even have unstained ones thanks to something else on my list. Cloth pads also fold up small and wet bags can be bought to store them in. They are very comfortable and can be bought/made to fit your needs or wants.
I have bought mine from:
www.lolasloft.etsy.com/ (just bought from, haven’t yet seen or used her pads)
www.NaturallyHip.etsy.com/ (bought from before, larger really indestructible pads)
www.crea8tivemama.etsy.com/ (bought from before, small pads)

Folded:


Wings Snaped so instead of sticky wings these secure the pad to panties these hold it in place:


4) For all of my cleaning bloodstain needs, come on girls you know this happens Oxyclean powder does the trick! Now that I use cloth pads I actually have fewer leaks because I have pads the size I need so my normal clothes need less stain removing however now I have those pads to clean. For stain free items you can get bloodstains wet hopefully before they dry and then wash in the machine with some Oxyclean and no worries about washing them with other items as long as they are not white. This also works for bedding or loungewear or bed pad (I just use a huge towel double folded under me when I sleep. The fact though is Oxyclean can very often remove old dried bloodstains even in pads. Simply soak item in water for a few minutes before washing with Oxyclean. For those fearing cloth pads means ugly bloodstained pads, this is not the case. When I was soaking pads after use until washing I went over a year and a half without any stains and my pads were lighter and multicoloured. I always buy my oxyclean at costco since its the very best deal and in powder foarm since it works and is so much cheaper.



5) Disposable heat pads that are activated by air (will say on package) and NOT the ones they sell/show on lower pelvic area designed for period pain since I have always found them to be way too small. I like the ones that stick on that are for backs (however the one I will show a picture of have changed their back stickers to wraps). The wrap is nice if you plan on changing clothing often, but the stickers I generally stick to my skin or to a pain of yoga pants I am wearing. I simply use the back heat pads on my front, and although I don’t use these often I do use them when I have to me out and about while either on period or know period is coming from the pain. They help and get nice and hot and very discreet. Though I did learn this weekend that trying to save money by buying a lower name brand is not necessarily worth the savings.



will add more later but need out in the garden at the moment since pain meds finaly kicked in!

what are your endometriosis coping essentials?