Procrastination the best way to Avoid my current reality

I’ve always found myself to procrastinate, and this week is no different. I think it started out as a coping mechanism. As a very young child if I was told about something early on even if it was just letting me know we’d be going somewhere I’d start fixating on it and get myself so worked up that before we were to head out I’d be sick to my stomach, and at times it would make doing what was planned impossible at worst and at best un-enjoyable due to how sick I’d end up feeling. After witnessing this, my parents would do their best to hold off on giving me information about trips, special activities or any plans that might get me excited until the very last minute so I wouldn’t get myself worked up. Well now I find I in some ways do the same thing to myself. On one hand I like to know things early so I can be prepared, BUT if I follow through with preparing early I get worked up. So here I am 1day 23hours from being on the operating table and none of the things I wanted to have done prior to surgery are done yet. I’m trying to get myself to do them now, but the moment I start to get into the swing of things I feel this pit in my stomach, preparing makes it real. If I just continue to procrastinate I get much less worked up, of course it also means I won’t be at all prepared around the house but at this moment in time feeling terribly sick and filled with anxiety is the more present issue.

If I was smart I would have prepped as much as possible last week, when I could also take the anxiety meds I was given due to this situation I find myself in, but than there’s a good chance I’d be prepared but find myself curled up in a total meltdown all this week. Who knows what would have been best. I know that I’ve had my meltdowns this week, but not as bad as I would have expected and in fact most of my meltdowns have focused around the fact I’ve been in a shit load of pain this week and it was just too much to cope with the pain and knowing I’d also be having surgery for a totally separate health issue that could turn out to be yet another health related nightmare added to my plate.

I think I’ve done well this week considering. Monday I ran out of my pain patch prescription without cluing in, normally I can just call and he will refill them when I am in a pinch but as I haven’t seen him in 6+months his reception is acting as a road block and told me I would have to see him before he would refill the script. She also suggested I could speak to my family dr. about it, well my family dr. I can’t see for over a week and I can’t go without my pain patches. luckily I hadn’t used the additional 1/2dose patches he prescribed so I had some of those still with refills, although I didn’t have them on hand so I went 24hours with only half the medication I’m prescribed. Now instead of one full dose Butrans patch I now have two 1/2 dose patches on, works the exact same its just not a long term solution as I am prescribed the half dose patches for a reason, to use in addition to my other patch as needed. Just irks me a bit as I know if the receptionist passed along the message the pain management dr. I have would have no issue prescribing another month or so until I can get in to see him when a cancellation appointment becomes available. The medications I’m on are impossible to abuse at least in any common way that I can think of and I’ve been on them for 2years now so I don’t see the issue but whatever I will deal with this mess after surgery is over with.

If I start to think about surgery though I start trembling, it’s weird though as someone who has been but under for 4 previous surgeries none of them fazed me really. I guess because this one affects a part of my body that I connect with femininity, sexuality and my being. It’s the last part that makes me female that hadn’t yet mistreated me, won’t do into all that but all the other parts that connect to women and their “femininity” have all seemed to stab me in the back so frankly I like my boobs, and I don’t want them messed up. This surgery will leave me with a scar even if the surgeon is able to do what she hopes to and hide as much as possible. The surgery could also leave me with a very visible keloid scar, in a very visible spot (even in my regular clothing) and possibly a clearly visible size difference between breasts and then there’s the chance of puckering or other healing issues. Even if it goes “perfectly” I am still 26 and having a lumpectomy. It also means that the last part of my body that I connect femininity and sexuality to that I didn’t yet hold some grudge against is now causing me issues at the least and at the worst trying to kill me. I of course hope that after surgery that pathology comes back and the tumor was cancer free, but having had a tumor found I’m sure I will always have it haunt me that what else or how many more tumors will show in my breasts in the years to come.