ugh!

i really only deal with one painfull thing at a time overly well.

Becayse of this i am not dealing well at the moment.

My abdomen is really very swollen, so that is painfull to have anything touching it or moving at all.

I have a cold so it seems every mucel and bone in my body hurts and is acheing.

I have hickups that are really hurting with the whole swollen and looking preggers thing.

I feel exausted even though i got 13hours of sleep (broken up but still).

And my nose wont stop running. There is a good thing about the nose though, it seems to suggest the whole body acheing might be because of a cold and not something elce messing with me so it should clear up shortly i can hope.

One Flaw In Women

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy..

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have..

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally..

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Still waiting for the blood to flow

I an at that point or close to where this would be less annoying if i was acturaly bleeding or the blood showed up.

It still feels like i might get my period any minute, and yet still nothing (it comes and goes in waves, sorta. at times i feel okay, mostly if feels like period is due.)

I think if i end up in much pain come the weekend (family dinner) i will stay home since after i learned how much i aparently upset people i care about lately, i dont want to risk doing that again while there and on demerol and dumb with what i say/ how i talk and how i act. so i think if i need pain meds, or at least much i wont go....

though i worry they will take that personaly also. uhg. i just dont want people i love dislikeing me because i on mistake interupt and such things. Things i dont mean to do but cant seem to stop myself from doing when medicated.

I am still mad craving and teary.

Perhaps if pain dies down, or i give into meds i will go to groshery store to get some pasta sauce mixes (herbs that mix with water and oil) to put on my rice pasta so i dont have a meltdown tonight.

I love the ferguson family, and dont want to offend them at all so perhaps takeing myself out of the situation is the best way. At least when i am not thinking clearly.

i am awake though i should be sleeping right now. The reason, my body is a little confused.

I am getting the feelings my period might show up any minute since 8am today... except its not due for another 10 days (and not even naturaly, but because of medication i take, that i havent forgotten to take)

So for that reason i am on my laptop trying to stay quiet to let scott sleep. One oft the things i am doing is looking up recepies on my fave recepie site, somehow i ended up loged out and cant get back in since i have no idea my user name. Sucks because i have alot of things saved to that account that i have no where elce. Hopefully i will find a way to get my username.

dumb body. it feels like i will be bleeding at any moment.

Hates her life at the moment, or at least her bladder.

We just swtiched to nights since that is Scotts shift this week (though ended up early).

I just got out of bes at 6:40, it is now 7:15
So far, i have had to urinate 8 times.

First time was extreamly painfull (tears came, as was 2nd and third) still painfull but now some tears are only comming from the frustration.

Its looking like this is going to be a REALLY long day. When we go downstairs i think i will try being on the couch with my feet up, sometimes that seems to help slighty.

oh i wish i had those new meds i havent yet fully explained but havent been able to fill the perscription for since no compounding pharmacist handy. UGH!

To many updates for the moment

I have al lot of updates, but no time for them at the moment.

Updates include topics such as Scott (the love of my life), my bladder, my back, my pain, diet changes, plans, new drug prescribes I haven’t been able to fill just yet.

First off, I have a tens unit that someone gave me from free cycle (www.freecycle.org) that is enough to know they work, in fact used to work well. Now I need it to be stronger then the max strength seems to be capable of.

My back has been cramping loads lately, but it’s really low like in my hips sort of. TENS is on now and helping a little but not much and to be fair the back is generally better when I sit then standing. Even more specific then that my back is worse if I straighten the leg on whatever side it is affecting (learned that in bed the other morning). So saying it’s doing okay at the moment is not truly fair, the fact is I need a better one. I think its number one on my wish list for Christmas at this moment at least. Perhaps should point that out to Scott who seems to think I will do what I did last year again for him (go shopping with him 3days before Christmas and pick all my own gifts and then let him pay), it’s SO not happening this year. He can try on his own, I have made him loads of lists and where to get items, even stocking items so there should be no issues (and I use the places that are handy).

I still have to get him one more gift that on my mind but haven’t gotten to it yet, perhaps tomorrow I will.

Today I have been making, well starting the process of making truffles. That always fun, the next step is the messy one.

I have to convince myself to go out to the grocery store. It’s cold and I have no interest in that at the moment. I also have to find all library books so I can return them and pay fines today.

I hurt, I would like to take a Demerol for front pain but haven’t had any since Sunday night (half a pill), and would like to continue on this way. Not the being in pain, but being able to avoid the pain meds (other than my once daily). I think I shall out off shopping for a little bit at least and do some things in the living room that don’t evolve much moving for the sake of my back cramps, and my pelvic pain. Oh I can’t WAIT to try the new med (I know I just said I like avoiding meds, but this one is different. It should not affect my head/mood/thinking at all) It should help with pelvic pain and the bladder issues also very likely.

Though, I just realised one thing. Although it won’t likely effect my head at all it might still likely make climaxing difficult, just not in the way Demerol does (Demerol makes it so that it feels good but the brain/nerve connections needed to orgasm just can’t quite be made) where as this med might make feelings less pronounced. Who knows though?

Bladder, fuck off!

So this is day 3 my bladder is being a prick.

It would be really nice not to have to pee every 2-10minutes. That would be really nice.

Though i should be glas i dont have to pee that often and also have intence pain every time i pee like i had earlyer today for a couple hours.

Certainly does make going out sorta tricky, or at least dressing normal.

Scratch that, it still hurts to pee just not as bad. I am also in alot of endo pain right now to, so on max demerol. fun wow... not.

Yesterday i took more then perscribed demerol and was still crying from the pain (reolised later last night when i looked at the times i took them). Life can be a bitch sometimes!

The plan is to try to get out of the house before scott gets home so he can have some alone time that he seems to need these days. This mentod works best i think since i dont see him walk in the door and then have him take off as though he doesnt want to be around me, if i am not there when he gets home it cant really bug me. Even when i do get back in and he is still off on his own its jusy as though he isnt home yet, and not that he is avoiding me.

Christmas might still be okay!

Aright,

I have personal "good news" and bad news haha.

Good news is now that I did the math today it appears that although I will have my period on Christmas it should show up days before Christmas eve day (our Christmas with Scott’s family) and Christmas and boxing day (our time with my family).

This math only could be figured out today though, seeing as my period came early.

Today it came. Although my cycle is longer than most women now, and much longer than my natural cycle, it wasn’t as long this time as it generally is while on my experimental drug. That drug is Centchroman, and since I am now stuck on my back today I should post about it. Anyways though my point is my cycle on that drug is generally 33 days. Today marked only 30 though. This is still a great improvement over my natural cycle of 24-26days and an impressive jump from what my cycle was only a 4years ago of 16-19 days.

So, yay I won’t necessarily feel like crap on Christmas :)

I HATE MY BLADDER

so i been trying this new med to help with bladder issues

update so far USELESS.

worst eppisode in about a month, right this moment.

UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHG

i HATE by inners. i say inners because althought its just bladder really bad right now pain is starting to get worse and is due to spike with period tomorrow or friday.

Also if i did the math right my next really bad pain spell / crippling period will start on christmas eve... fucking joy.

i love chirstmas, way to very likely fuck it up body.

So this is the micro-mini update about the cystoscopy appointment.

Basically, it was absolutely horrible. First issue was I was scared, the pain doc suggested I take Demerol prior to the procedure since he thought it would help me mellow out. Well turned out that day I was in pain anyways so I ended up on max Demerol before the procedure.

Good fucking thing to, since who did my cystocopy? A student, who I firmly believe never, did one before in his life since he asked the nurse how to do EVERYTHING. She also kept pointing out when he was messing up, but wouldn’t get the hint. Like when he over filled my bladder on 3 different occasions, and the overfilling stretched my bladder to the point I was internal bleeding. That of course made it harder to see inside if there was any blood in their without his doing.
So the procedure was extremely painful, but mainly only because the doctor had no idea what he was doing (that’s my guess at least). Then the main doc (the teacher) came in, pointed out some of the goofs the student made to him (the ones he could tell since I was clearly bleeding from his students work). He looked around inside. Then later we all met in his office and he informed me that although I am having so many weird symptoms that sound like IC he can’t actually diagnose it or anything since there was no proof of anything inside.

So I left then to go get my kidneys ultra sounded to see if there was anything weird there. There wasn’t. So there is no explanation for my issues, but he gave me a drug to help with the frequency issue (yet to try it) since it seems weird to treat one of like 5bad urinary issue symptoms and ignore the others and have no answers.
Then I got home, and had to pee... well I guess because of the tearing he did or something I kind of seemed to scab inside. So when I tried to pee it hurt more then I think any pain I have ever felt (and I have endo lol). I literally had to bite down on a towel in order to manage the pain of trying to pee.

Then came the blood.

Luckily by the next evening the bleeding from my urethra stopped.