My left boob hurts

Anytime my left breast hurts alone (not both breasts) i cant help but worry.

Today it just keeps hurting.

Now an then i get pains in it, pains that were similar to when the antibiotic resistant staph was literally eating a tunnel through my breast. The fact is i know the wound closed without the infection being killed off.

When the pain shows up in my left breast i cant help but worry what might be happening inside as i know that the same infection that caused such a mess is now sealed inside. You may think that's simply not possible, the doctors wouldn't allow that because of what could happen... but you would be wrong.

So when my breast hurts i have reason to worry, and it scares me more than i'd like to admit but so far its been almost 2 years that the scaring has held shut. (i see weird things going on under it at times like sudden bruising for no reason, but so far so "good"


((Explanation of how i know infection is still inside, along with graphic image of original mess))

Procrastination the best way to Avoid my current reality

I’ve always found myself to procrastinate, and this week is no different. I think it started out as a coping mechanism. As a very young child if I was told about something early on even if it was just letting me know we’d be going somewhere I’d start fixating on it and get myself so worked up that before we were to head out I’d be sick to my stomach, and at times it would make doing what was planned impossible at worst and at best un-enjoyable due to how sick I’d end up feeling. After witnessing this, my parents would do their best to hold off on giving me information about trips, special activities or any plans that might get me excited until the very last minute so I wouldn’t get myself worked up. Well now I find I in some ways do the same thing to myself. On one hand I like to know things early so I can be prepared, BUT if I follow through with preparing early I get worked up. So here I am 1day 23hours from being on the operating table and none of the things I wanted to have done prior to surgery are done yet. I’m trying to get myself to do them now, but the moment I start to get into the swing of things I feel this pit in my stomach, preparing makes it real. If I just continue to procrastinate I get much less worked up, of course it also means I won’t be at all prepared around the house but at this moment in time feeling terribly sick and filled with anxiety is the more present issue.

If I was smart I would have prepped as much as possible last week, when I could also take the anxiety meds I was given due to this situation I find myself in, but than there’s a good chance I’d be prepared but find myself curled up in a total meltdown all this week. Who knows what would have been best. I know that I’ve had my meltdowns this week, but not as bad as I would have expected and in fact most of my meltdowns have focused around the fact I’ve been in a shit load of pain this week and it was just too much to cope with the pain and knowing I’d also be having surgery for a totally separate health issue that could turn out to be yet another health related nightmare added to my plate.

I think I’ve done well this week considering. Monday I ran out of my pain patch prescription without cluing in, normally I can just call and he will refill them when I am in a pinch but as I haven’t seen him in 6+months his reception is acting as a road block and told me I would have to see him before he would refill the script. She also suggested I could speak to my family dr. about it, well my family dr. I can’t see for over a week and I can’t go without my pain patches. luckily I hadn’t used the additional 1/2dose patches he prescribed so I had some of those still with refills, although I didn’t have them on hand so I went 24hours with only half the medication I’m prescribed. Now instead of one full dose Butrans patch I now have two 1/2 dose patches on, works the exact same its just not a long term solution as I am prescribed the half dose patches for a reason, to use in addition to my other patch as needed. Just irks me a bit as I know if the receptionist passed along the message the pain management dr. I have would have no issue prescribing another month or so until I can get in to see him when a cancellation appointment becomes available. The medications I’m on are impossible to abuse at least in any common way that I can think of and I’ve been on them for 2years now so I don’t see the issue but whatever I will deal with this mess after surgery is over with.

If I start to think about surgery though I start trembling, it’s weird though as someone who has been but under for 4 previous surgeries none of them fazed me really. I guess because this one affects a part of my body that I connect with femininity, sexuality and my being. It’s the last part that makes me female that hadn’t yet mistreated me, won’t do into all that but all the other parts that connect to women and their “femininity” have all seemed to stab me in the back so frankly I like my boobs, and I don’t want them messed up. This surgery will leave me with a scar even if the surgeon is able to do what she hopes to and hide as much as possible. The surgery could also leave me with a very visible keloid scar, in a very visible spot (even in my regular clothing) and possibly a clearly visible size difference between breasts and then there’s the chance of puckering or other healing issues. Even if it goes “perfectly” I am still 26 and having a lumpectomy. It also means that the last part of my body that I connect femininity and sexuality to that I didn’t yet hold some grudge against is now causing me issues at the least and at the worst trying to kill me. I of course hope that after surgery that pathology comes back and the tumor was cancer free, but having had a tumor found I’m sure I will always have it haunt me that what else or how many more tumors will show in my breasts in the years to come.

You never know how strong you are

Stacey Kennedy Photography

I've always liked both variations of this quote "you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice there is" and "you don't know how strong you are until you don't have a choice" The first one i likely slightly more but when i handed over the sharpie i totally drew a blank on the quote. I don't feel I'm in the situation of being super strong, life has shown me i am much stronger than i thought in some ways but not as much as this quote implies. Never the less i wanted to do some quote that i felt a connection too or had meaning to me, and this fit. I also fear that if my body continues on the path it is on of one issue after another this quote will have that much more meaning to me. I hope i don't have cancer, and i hope this upcoming lumpectomy doesn't alter how my chest looks too much (yes i know I'm overweight, but that could change with diet eventually, a maimed boob... stays maimed). As i was having photos taken anyways i thought i would do at least one sort-of "awareness" image/quote that would have meaning to others besides me.

I look forward to seeing the rest of the photos when Stacey is able to share them with me.

Arch Your Back

Well with surgery coming up I wanted to have some photo's taken, so I at least had a photographed evidence of my breasts "before" surgery, as even if this surgeon pulls off a seamless lumpectomy lets be real, I will have a scar. Though the doctor plans to hide the scar the best she can it will be for at least a couple years visible to anyone who sees me topless. For that reason I decided to enlist the help of a local photographer for some semi boudoir shots, not so much about making it sexy but pretty tops showing my assets as they are today. Photographer: Staceykennedyphotography

I was very nervous about the shoot as I hate when a camera is pointed at me even if I'm fully dressed. When I'm changing and topless I often find myself hiding from S's line of sight, it's just how I am.

We arrived at Stacey's home that she works out of when she does studio shots, and I think that fact it was a home helped me relax a little more. We chatted for a while once inside and that let me feel comfortable with who was behind the camera, something I also wasn't thinking could be possible. With me I've always been uncomfortable in front of cameras no matter now who is holding it, and no matter what photograph editing software I know is available. Sure when I weighed closer to the 100lb mark than the 200lb mark I was a but more comfortable with myself but that was ever only one on one with S and still not around others.

We started out the shoot with it being S and I as I figured family has been asking for some couple portraits of us for years, and it would be the best way to ease into having my photo taken having my sweetheart right by my side. This worked like a charm and we should have some good photos of the two of us out of it to share with family. This for them will mean being able to take down photos of us that they currently use that are between 5 and 6years old hehe (I really do avoid the camera).

Eventually my top came off and more photos were taken, will have to wait and see about how comfortable I am with them when I actually see them but I managed to relax during much of the shoot and even have fun.

The whole point of the shoot was so that I would have some nice photos to help sooth me going into surgery as I might come out looking rather different and it's a very scary thought. These photos in a way give me the ability to accept I might look rather altered in a week or so but have evidence of how I look today and that somehow helps.

I would never have expected to be needing to have part of my breast removed for medical reasons at 26 heck I don't think I'd have been able to imagine such necessity until 50+ at the earliest but here lies reality. That is the thing though, there's so much about my life and my health more specifically that I would never have thought could possibly happen to me or to such an extent. If I really dig into my thoughts about it all I know I'll cry and throw myself a pity party and that's not why I mention it. What I'm thinking about is you never know what might happen and in my life I try not to have regrets but like everyone I too have some. I find I would rather do something that perhaps others might question than later find myself regretting not having done what I wanted at that time. The "boobie photo shoot" is just that, I know some might look down on it but if I end up totally disfigured before the month is out I much rather have these photos than be wishing I had gotten them done.

Don't worry, I know I won't likely be badly disfigured (at least not with the surgeon I ended up booking with) but anything can happen. So you have to be prepared on one hand but also enjoy life as it happens and not get caught up in what others might think but do what is right for you. I don't plan on trying to be someone big and important so hell even if the photos all got out, I might be embarrassed but I'd be A-okay The best and funny moment of the evening, there I am sitting with studio lights on me being told to arch my back, Stacey clues in it sounds like she's shooting a porno with the directions she's giving me and I can't help but laugh cause although it sure isn't porn I was sitting there topless on someone else's bed in a house I'd never been to before while my partner looks on from a few feet away. It was a funny moment and I look forward to seeing how it translated to film (or digital pixels in this case).

So remember ladies, arch your back as good posture is important ha-ha.

Boobie- situation May 24th

This update i wrote after getting home from the most recent surgeon (and the next morning), later i will go back and write an actual post about each surgeon apt in more in depth if only so others can know that if your truly uncomfortable because of a surgeon or the idea of them cutting you open terrifies you because of them (and not the idea of surgery itself) its worth being stuburn about seeing someone else. Might not always work but i am currently very glad i stuck with my feelings and thoughts.

                   "Boobie- situation update as of May 24th

Today I met a third general surgeon (or 4^th doctor) in 3weeks. What a month, well last few months being told I have a lump, found by a total fluke and oh by the way you might have cancer in addition to everything else. My coping skills with any stressors have sort-of disappeared and because of the level of anxiety it seems some of my medications for other health issues have quit working of course leaving me more uncomfortable and on edge, but with where things are now I am hoping I can get back to at least a reasonable level of managing life again.

Cliff-notes:
found a surgeon I like, and who is able to do the surgery, surgery is booked. Will have tumor removed at Guelph general hospital June 14^th.

Detailed:
1^st surgeon (out of Kitchener) as I said in last message left me more confused, unsure and scared (and also made it clear that he had no concern or care about how surgery would leave me looking as he “knows many women with breast cancer and none of them care how they look, they are all just very happy to be alive”), my issue with that quote is from the women I know it’s wrong, second we don’t even know if I have cancer yet so a 3-5” scar across the top would leave me upset, extra if I know it’s possible to be avoided. There were other issues with him but the one that I think might bring the best understanding is that reading size 12font with glasses on seemed impossible for him. I left the appointment of meeting this dr. in tears as I had no idea how tricky it might be to try to see another surgeon. All in all I did not want that dr cutting on me. 

 

Grand River Hospital Kitchener

Luckily my family dr. had no issue giving me another referral once I stated I was uncomfortable with the first surgeon. My discomfort was enough for him without logical reasons to back it up.

                                 

 

 Groves Memorial Hospital Fergus

 

 2^nd surgeon (from Fergus) I really liked. She couldn’t do the surgery however, or at least not in the best way. Due to my situation* for surgery they need a wire-localization done before I go in the OR and with the Fergus hospital smaller than most, they don’t have the equipment. She could do surgery on my but would have to do so blindly, cut out more and hope for the best. Doing so means she would do her best but without a way to get visuals in the OR or have it marked for her she could miss part or all of the tumour and I’d have to have a 2^nd surgery. For this reason she said although she could do the surgery it wasn’t good patient care when other doctors could do it with better odds of doing it right, she said she’s refer me to one of 2 surgeons in Guelph that she liked and sent women in my situation to. That said I was still debating if I’d go with her as she made me feel much more relaxed about everything and in charge of the situation. 

 

Guelph General Hospital

3r surgeon (from Guelph) I met yesterday afternoon. Not only does she make me feel relaxed, normal and such I feel confident she will do surgery well and she is the one who brought up the *idea* of trying to make it so hopefully I won`t look much different after the surgery, and discussed how she would go about that. She also was the first person to take into consideration the medications I’m on and conclude I should perhaps talk to the anesthesiologist so they understand what I’m on and a better plan can be worked out. Surgery with her has been booked.

So this is the timetable:

1.       ________ (will learn apt date/time next week) Will meet with the anesthesiologist who will be in my surgery at Guelph G.H. to go over my medications, what I should or shouldn’t take the day or the week of surgery (as some of my medications are in patch form).

2.      ________ (will learn apt date/time next week) Pre-op clinic appointment. Will have blood work done, oxygen levels taken, height/weight/pulse, and other questions asked. I will be told how to prepare for surgery, what to expect and discharge plan.

3.      June 14^th  ____ (morning don’t k now time yet) Will go to Guelph General Hospital to have my wire localization procedure done by radiologist. If unsure what this is and care to know more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68RxrTtNnQs

 

 

 

  

 

 

4.      June 14^th 10:15am have to be in Guelph general Day-surgery wing for prepping to start

5.      June 14^th  12:15pm Left Breast excisional biopsy with preoperative wire localization surgery will begin. Basically it’s a lumpectomy but as the tumor their excising still needs farther studying to know if I have cancer or not it’s called an excisional biopsy. The surgery should take under 60minutes. The incision will try to be hidden as best as possible, if it is possible in order to conserve my present appearance. After surgery I will be moved to recovery where I will wake up, and after I am alert enough to leave, and able regain control over my body parts that might have been impaired due to aspects of surgery I will be sent home. S will be at the hospital for much of the day and will be bringing me back home that afternoon or evening as long as all goes to plan. If anyone wants to reach us he will likely be playing on his cellphone whenever possible to kill time, and unless for some reason we get home really late or something unexpected happens he will likely be checking his email/Facebook when home that evening, and possibly mine.

 

6.      June 27^th Post-op appointment to see how I am healing and such IF pathology on my tumor is back at this point this is also where I will learn what the tumor was and if cancer/malignant what will happen next as that would possibly mean more surgery. If pathology is not yet back than I guess I wait till it is and learn the results from my family dr. perhaps.

* my situation is not only is my tumor not very large so hard to locate for others by touch who don’t feel pain once they locate it, I also have fibrocystic breasts so it is not the only lump they can feel the last to surgeons both agree it’s in the midst of 3-5 lumps they can feel, some larger that the tumor that their concerned about. This also allows them to understand why at 19, and again at 26 (and would have between if I had a local family dr.) I’ve gone for breast imaging as self-breast exams for me are next to useless as I’ve always been able to find something it is just a matter of will it go away in a day, week, or few months. The tumor they are worried about I’d felt before and that left me feeling like I should have let them know sooner, but heck there are 3other lumps I’ve been able to find for the past 6months too depending on when I do a self-exam and none of them are anything to worry about so I can’t report every bump I find or I’d never leave the dr’s office.

Original "Boobie Situation" Notification email

Trying to catch this blog up with what has been happening, the info is unlikely to come out in a smooth timeline but i will add dates and such. The issue is most of the time i was unwilling to write as things happened, other times i wrote about things right after but saved the wording without posting, so trying to get it uploaded now the best i can now that i am in a better place emotionally that i have been for the past 3months almost.

This is the email i wrote out ahead of time but sent out the same day my parents and Grandma learned about what i knew as of that moment. Original Email from March 30th 2013





<-- mammogram="" span="">

"Hello everyone, sending this to all I can that might otherwise hear this from someone else so may as well hear it from me, or to those who might care. For those of you who have been wondering what has been going on with me and why I am stressing well this is it.

This march I had breast cancer screening in the form of a mammogram for the first time in years simply as with my family history, medical history and lack of nursing a baby I am considered "high risk" (add in self exams are next to usless for me imaging is the only real way for me to tell whats going on).  Shortly after my first appointment I was called back for further diagnostic imaging under the story line that "the first set of images weren't very clear", sure okay I didn't question that. When I came back for the 2nd set of mammogram films and later that same day an ultrasound I quickly clued in they were only looking at one side of my chest. By the end of the ultrasound it was very clear they found a lump, a lump that hurt and I could locate on my own now knowing where it was. They also informed me at the end of the ultrasound that I would need a biopsy. (i had felt this lump in the past, but i had felt 3 others recently too so thought nothing of it really as i can always find lumps due to fibrocystic breast)

Breast Ultrasound ---->


 Couple weeks later I had a core needle biopsy and began the dreaded wait for results, being hopeful the results would come in exactly a week later I booked an appointment ahead of time with my family dr., and to my surprise the results were already there, well somewhat. The dr. wouldn't go into much detail about what was found to be honest, I was told at best the tumor is pre-cancerous, at worst its cancer. They also said my file had been sent on to a surgeon who I was being referred to who would perform a lumpectomy on me and from there they would do farther testing once they had the tumor out. The doctor also told me as it stands the statistics I'm looking at are 60%cancer. 

< --- Core needle Biopsy guided by Ultrasound



What it sounds like after thinking about exactly what he did and didn't say to me is that the biopsy perhaps showed both pre-cancerous and cancerous tissue but unlike my dad's throat cancer scare a few years ago they don't want to tell me and get me all scared that there is cancer based on one cell found and then later go in only to discover there only was the one small spot of cancer and they managed to get it all in the biopsy.  Who knows for sure and I won't until after I have surgery. 

My plan was to keep everything to myself (and S and a few very close friends so I didn't go nuts) until I knew if I had cancer or not, that said I also figured I'd have that answer when the biopsy results came in and that I wouldn't be going through more testing and surgery before learning any more.

They already have a rushed appointment for my MRI scheduled this Tuesday (April 2, 2013) , and once the MRI results are in my future surgeons hands I have been told I will be getting an appointment and given my date for surgery. 

So no matter what I am having surgery, if no cancer s found than that's the end of it as far as I understand (besides continual screening) if cancer is found I might have to have more surgery to make sure they got every cell and chemo or radiation or both to treat me. As it stands I have no idea what will happen but as I am 26 with a sore tumor and know I will be having surgery on my breast it's a little frustrating to say the least (and when you add in my other health issues I seem to become a statistical anomaly how can i find myself with a breast tumor even if its "safe" endometriosis, IC and Fibro issues at times all before my 30th birthday it just seems wrong).

From this point I will be much more public about what is going on and trying to keep those who want to know up to date, although I wanted to talk to many people I had to keep it to myself until both S's parents and sister/my parents and my grandma Joan all knew first. Was not allowing the chance of any of them to hear it from someone else or hear something incorrect,  as if any of them heard it from someone else rather than me it would make the situation that much harder for me to explain, and for me sharing this information is what makes me feel more open about it and also gives me the ability to talk about that is going on and de-stress about it. Not going to lie I am hoping it's not cancer but time will tell.

For those of you who were questioning what was going on and thought I was pregnant, no that is not the case at all and should never be the case haha.

If you want to be one to be kept in the loop please make that clear and with what email to message updates at.

Thanks for reading. If you have any specific questions i will do my best to answer."