Arch Your Back

Well with surgery coming up I wanted to have some photo's taken, so I at least had a photographed evidence of my breasts "before" surgery, as even if this surgeon pulls off a seamless lumpectomy lets be real, I will have a scar. Though the doctor plans to hide the scar the best she can it will be for at least a couple years visible to anyone who sees me topless. For that reason I decided to enlist the help of a local photographer for some semi boudoir shots, not so much about making it sexy but pretty tops showing my assets as they are today. Photographer: Staceykennedyphotography

I was very nervous about the shoot as I hate when a camera is pointed at me even if I'm fully dressed. When I'm changing and topless I often find myself hiding from S's line of sight, it's just how I am.

We arrived at Stacey's home that she works out of when she does studio shots, and I think that fact it was a home helped me relax a little more. We chatted for a while once inside and that let me feel comfortable with who was behind the camera, something I also wasn't thinking could be possible. With me I've always been uncomfortable in front of cameras no matter now who is holding it, and no matter what photograph editing software I know is available. Sure when I weighed closer to the 100lb mark than the 200lb mark I was a but more comfortable with myself but that was ever only one on one with S and still not around others.

We started out the shoot with it being S and I as I figured family has been asking for some couple portraits of us for years, and it would be the best way to ease into having my photo taken having my sweetheart right by my side. This worked like a charm and we should have some good photos of the two of us out of it to share with family. This for them will mean being able to take down photos of us that they currently use that are between 5 and 6years old hehe (I really do avoid the camera).

Eventually my top came off and more photos were taken, will have to wait and see about how comfortable I am with them when I actually see them but I managed to relax during much of the shoot and even have fun.

The whole point of the shoot was so that I would have some nice photos to help sooth me going into surgery as I might come out looking rather different and it's a very scary thought. These photos in a way give me the ability to accept I might look rather altered in a week or so but have evidence of how I look today and that somehow helps.

I would never have expected to be needing to have part of my breast removed for medical reasons at 26 heck I don't think I'd have been able to imagine such necessity until 50+ at the earliest but here lies reality. That is the thing though, there's so much about my life and my health more specifically that I would never have thought could possibly happen to me or to such an extent. If I really dig into my thoughts about it all I know I'll cry and throw myself a pity party and that's not why I mention it. What I'm thinking about is you never know what might happen and in my life I try not to have regrets but like everyone I too have some. I find I would rather do something that perhaps others might question than later find myself regretting not having done what I wanted at that time. The "boobie photo shoot" is just that, I know some might look down on it but if I end up totally disfigured before the month is out I much rather have these photos than be wishing I had gotten them done.

Don't worry, I know I won't likely be badly disfigured (at least not with the surgeon I ended up booking with) but anything can happen. So you have to be prepared on one hand but also enjoy life as it happens and not get caught up in what others might think but do what is right for you. I don't plan on trying to be someone big and important so hell even if the photos all got out, I might be embarrassed but I'd be A-okay The best and funny moment of the evening, there I am sitting with studio lights on me being told to arch my back, Stacey clues in it sounds like she's shooting a porno with the directions she's giving me and I can't help but laugh cause although it sure isn't porn I was sitting there topless on someone else's bed in a house I'd never been to before while my partner looks on from a few feet away. It was a funny moment and I look forward to seeing how it translated to film (or digital pixels in this case).

So remember ladies, arch your back as good posture is important ha-ha.

To many updates for the moment

I have al lot of updates, but no time for them at the moment.

Updates include topics such as Scott (the love of my life), my bladder, my back, my pain, diet changes, plans, new drug prescribes I haven’t been able to fill just yet.

First off, I have a tens unit that someone gave me from free cycle (www.freecycle.org) that is enough to know they work, in fact used to work well. Now I need it to be stronger then the max strength seems to be capable of.

My back has been cramping loads lately, but it’s really low like in my hips sort of. TENS is on now and helping a little but not much and to be fair the back is generally better when I sit then standing. Even more specific then that my back is worse if I straighten the leg on whatever side it is affecting (learned that in bed the other morning). So saying it’s doing okay at the moment is not truly fair, the fact is I need a better one. I think its number one on my wish list for Christmas at this moment at least. Perhaps should point that out to Scott who seems to think I will do what I did last year again for him (go shopping with him 3days before Christmas and pick all my own gifts and then let him pay), it’s SO not happening this year. He can try on his own, I have made him loads of lists and where to get items, even stocking items so there should be no issues (and I use the places that are handy).

I still have to get him one more gift that on my mind but haven’t gotten to it yet, perhaps tomorrow I will.

Today I have been making, well starting the process of making truffles. That always fun, the next step is the messy one.

I have to convince myself to go out to the grocery store. It’s cold and I have no interest in that at the moment. I also have to find all library books so I can return them and pay fines today.

I hurt, I would like to take a Demerol for front pain but haven’t had any since Sunday night (half a pill), and would like to continue on this way. Not the being in pain, but being able to avoid the pain meds (other than my once daily). I think I shall out off shopping for a little bit at least and do some things in the living room that don’t evolve much moving for the sake of my back cramps, and my pelvic pain. Oh I can’t WAIT to try the new med (I know I just said I like avoiding meds, but this one is different. It should not affect my head/mood/thinking at all) It should help with pelvic pain and the bladder issues also very likely.

Though, I just realised one thing. Although it won’t likely effect my head at all it might still likely make climaxing difficult, just not in the way Demerol does (Demerol makes it so that it feels good but the brain/nerve connections needed to orgasm just can’t quite be made) where as this med might make feelings less pronounced. Who knows though?

Bladder, fuck off!

So this is day 3 my bladder is being a prick.

It would be really nice not to have to pee every 2-10minutes. That would be really nice.

Though i should be glas i dont have to pee that often and also have intence pain every time i pee like i had earlyer today for a couple hours.

Certainly does make going out sorta tricky, or at least dressing normal.

Scratch that, it still hurts to pee just not as bad. I am also in alot of endo pain right now to, so on max demerol. fun wow... not.

Yesterday i took more then perscribed demerol and was still crying from the pain (reolised later last night when i looked at the times i took them). Life can be a bitch sometimes!

The plan is to try to get out of the house before scott gets home so he can have some alone time that he seems to need these days. This mentod works best i think since i dont see him walk in the door and then have him take off as though he doesnt want to be around me, if i am not there when he gets home it cant really bug me. Even when i do get back in and he is still off on his own its jusy as though he isnt home yet, and not that he is avoiding me.

not coping well today + i know my own body

I am not coping well today. Either pain is overthrowing the pain meds, or the pain meds are overthrowing me it would seem. Couldn’t there be balance, you know where the pain meds took away pain, but didn’t make me a stumbling bumbling idiot who can’t even get herself something to eat OR stop scratching. (Yes, for some reason the Demerol seems to be making me itchy today, for the first time ever. Though this is not the first time this has happened with pain meds, Percocet used to always cause this issue to the extend I would scratch till my arms or legs were bleeding)

I am also frustrated because I feel gross and I want to shower, but I am not sure if I am sturdy enough to stand in the shower. I could have a bath, but baths don’t necessarily leave me feeling clean unless I can shower off afterwards. And considering how things are today, I would only want a bath if I could easily use a shower hose to wash out the tub afterwards... however as amazing as our tub is, there is now shower connected to it. So that’s out.

Ugh. I get frustrated at these times.
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Well as it turns out I do know my body.

Though with the use of the one medication (that in I think my last post I said my body seemed to be fighting) my period should have been due on Sunday the 20th or Monday the 21st.

Yesterday however, my pain was mounting. Then my period started and the pain spiked really quickly. By the time my period had truly started I was already on max Demerol on top of my daily Tramadol. It wasn’t enough though; there was a solid hour I was withering in pain on the couch balling my eyes out in way to much pain. The pain was shooting down into my legs. (It is because one of the nerves in your abdomen, is connected/roots into your thy) So anyways I was very unhappy last night, the pain calmed down slightly so I could watch a movie with Scott without distracting him with my cries to too often.

Bedtime came and some meds were starting to wear off so pain was starting to come back. On the flip side more meds would have meant I wouldn’t likely be able to sleep due to the meds, and if I did sleep on the meds it would be a waste of meds in a way. I can often sleep even if I am in a great deal of pain, so if I can I try to. Sleeping is how I can sometimes avoid taking pain medication.

The issue was it was a huge balancing act, I had to be asleep before the pain got too strong and yet the pain was already interfering with my being able to fall asleep. I managed to get to sleep likely after about an hour of laying there with my heat pad on my abdomen, cuddling with Scott and breathing to try to calm down. Though last night I will admit I did cry myself to sleep due to the pain.

I also woke up very frequently to pain and was sleeping lightly I know since Scott rolling over in bed was enough to wake me up many times, and then I would once again notice all the pain and have issues getting back to sleep. When morning came with the sound of Scott’s alarm I was afraid to ask him how he slept. Often when I sleep this poorly due to pain, he does also because he wakes to my whimpers or crying (either in my sleep or awake) and my fussing to get comfortable (an impossible task). This is way when I know I can’t sleep, or figure I won’t sleep well I at times will just stay up on my computer or watch TV and let him go to bed so at least one of us get a good night’s sleep.

I do have happy thoughts about when we have the spare room set up though. I need the holding and cuddling when I am feeling poorly, but then Scott falls asleep and rolls over, so that often when I get up and go downstairs if I am too fussy to sleep as not to disturb his sleep. However if we had the spare room set up those nights that I am exhausted and think I can get to sleep, but unable to sleep soundly/let him get rest I could simply go sleep in the spare room. I find I can’t sleep on the couch so I never really do.

Turned out this morning that Scott had slept rather well considering, morning came too early but it always does. I hope he actually did sleep well and he wasn’t just saying that so I wouldn’t feel so guilty

At least yesterday was semi-productive

Yesterday was a good day, pain wise at least. I managed to get a fair amount done the house for once, and cooked dinner on top of it all (and it was even good! Baked chicken works far better than fried chicken for me that’s for sure.) Though I couldn’t eat all day due to nausea, but that was from worry not the pain. Well it was from pain and fear but of a different sort.

I am glad I got done what I did yesterday because today pain is paying me back it seems, and a double helping of nausea today.

I am worried and scared about things, but I am too scared to bring things up to possibly have things either confirmed, or learn I am worried for nothing?

If I could take pain meds I might be able to get some things done, but I basically used up the week’s worth of pain meds while at the cottage Thursday night through Sunday afternoon. Simply so I could function decently and not hear comments from some family members who like to point out the lack of movement or activity I do, how I sit in pain and start pestering me again about a hysto. I also wanted to go to the corn roast that happens at the cottage, and without medication I would have been unable to go and be social at all, as it stands I am thankful my aunt drove to the corn roast since the walk both ways would have been too much.

Though at the corn roast I remembered why I tend to avoid social situations. When you don’t work, or go to school or have anything concrete to do each day it is hard to talk to others. When they ask how you are doing because they know you have had issues and you have nothing positive to say it clearly makes the person you are speaking to as uncomfortable as you yourself feel. This doesn’t change the fact I am glad I went however. The corn was good, and it was good to try to act like a normal person.

So my point is I cannot take meds I don’t really have, because I have already taken more then I can and still have enough for my worst days ahead, let’s just hope it isn’t that bad this time around. I also hold out on pain meds throughout the day when I can so I can use them in the evenings so I can be in less pain and therefore a better mood, also more able to function to do such things as cooking dinner.

The thought of having enough control over my pain that I could function normally, not have to “save up” pills for worse days and not have to lay on the couch in order to be able to cook later would be wonderful. The issue stands with my current pain doctor, in his eyes my pain should be completely under control as it stands, and since it is not if I complain he starts saying I am addicted to the medication (despite my going off for weeks when he told me to!). It’s just so frustrating.

My one doctor did however tell me he would send a note to a pain doctor I had heard of in Hamilton (closer, and also an apparently wonderful doctor). I know he deals with Endometriosis pain along with fibro (though I don’t have fibro) the woman I spoke to about him told me if I saw him I wouldn’t have pain, and I would be able to be ME again! (Well me with less IQ points likely because that’s the way I find pain medications act). But if I wasn’t in pain I could work, and be more social! It would mean I and S could then be more social with others even or so I hope.

Don’t get me wrong I am glad I am in Canada where most all health care is covered! But is it so much to ask for a doctor who listens to me, and knows about Endo pain (doesn’t just ask if I have tried Midol before!!!!!) instead of only seeming to focus on nerve damage pain, that we have now ruled out in my case between nerve blocks over months and drugs for neuropathic pain.

another teary day

My pain is not only destroying me. It has been crapping all over my life for a while now, but now it is crapping on the only thing good in my life.

I don’t know how to make it not ruin anything more, other than stop being in pain, and stop being on pain meds. The problem there is I have tried lots to not be in pain, and the other options are terrifying to me. The other issue is even if they do work; their side effects would likely make me loose Scott.

Since as depressed as I am now, I know it is nothing compared to what happens when my hormones are messed with. No one wants to be around me then, not even my own parents. I turn into a suicidal monster of a person.

On the other hand going as I am is ruining things also. I can’t think about the future, I do when I am day dreaming, but in it I am always healthy again. When will that future happen? Scott can no longer see the future either, my pain is eating him.

I love Scott so much, yet the pain I have is not only ruining things for me anymore but for us.
My next pain management appointment is in a couple weeks I believe. In a perfect world I could walk in and tell him the pain is still crippling me and ruining my life and that we need to do something about it so I can function like a “normal” person. The reality is I will go and he will refill my prescriptions if I am lucky, (he I believe will refill my Tramadol, but unsure about Demerol since it is my old family doc who would normally prescribe it).

I need less pain. Less pain would make it so I could do more, help around the house more, get a job, and be a better person. Less pain would mean I would be less depressed. Less pain would likely mean I wouldn’t fear the things I am, the things that if pain stays it sounds like will happen.

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I am laying here on max Demerol still in allot of pain (max Demerol on top of Tramadol) with a heating pad on my lap. I think if it gets worse later today I will taxi it to the local hospital perhaps they can give me a few hours without pain, and a few solid minutes of sleep. This will give me a break, but depending when I go it might also give Scott a break.

I barley slept last night even though I was beyond exhausted, took me over an hour and a half to fall asleep. Then I woke up loads of times because of pain, once at 8am (were on afternoons so that is the middle of the night for us) to the point I was crying from the pain, but was in too much pain to move or do anything about it, and Scott looked asleep so I couldn’t bug him. Somehow I fell back asleep till 12, at that point I hobbled down the stairs and took a Demerol and as it kicked in I fell back asleep for a few minutes then woke up again from another pain surge. This time the alarm was going and Scott was not in bed. Turns out he barley slept at all last night either because of my pain and whimpering and moving around. Tonight if pain as bad, I told him I would sleep on the couch, so he can get some decent sleep. He needs his sleep seeing as he works hard all week, and hard around here. Then he looks after me, I am worse in neediness then a child and he has always said he didn’t want a child (he did not say those things together, I am the one making those parallels).

Not going to lie, moments like this the thought of cutting out my inners is welcomed while they cause me this much pain, I often joke about it. The reality of that idea is far different when I am not on so much Demerol and still unable to move.