Thinking About The Future

I’ve been thinking about the future lately, something I haven’t done in ages. Something if you live in chronic pain you too have avoided thinking about for quite some time like me since it isn’t happy and hopeful like it might be for others but scary and impossible and often hopeless.

To be fair though, although I have been thinking of the future I haven’t been like you would expect a twenty something to think, but more like I did as a child in the “wouldn’t it be fun if I were/ could do...” sort of manner. Granted within that I have been trying to make sure my mind doesn’t wander into anything that requires a/or much education and many other limits but I have been thinking.

I spend allot of my free time looking on blogs that inspire me to refinish furniture, or make this or that and I love it. I have always loved doing things where there was a true finished product at the end of my work, something I could look at and think “I did that”. The reality is those things I don’t think could make me money and even if I wanted to try we have no true place that I could use as a shop here, so like S my dreams might depend on our winning the lotto and us each having our own shop (his for working on cars, and mine for working on furniture/making things unlike his I would want mine well heated). Right now though what could I do? I should try and get a part time job at something local but each time I get really set on that my pain gets worse for a month making me feel useless.

I also have a choice in my head going over and over again (well only a choice if I am hired by who I want) and that is when I look for work do I find a place I won’t really enjoy overly so if and when they fire me it won’t hurt so bad or do I try to find something I will like and hope I can make it work? I know letting fear get in the way of life is bad but it’s me fear and it has been for ages. The thought of being fired and outright told I am useless is more then I can handle even if the alternative is wasting my savings to live on and feeling useless at home doing nothing with no chance to social with anyone outside of S.

(Warning this part gets extremely off topic into my fears of next week)
While thinking about possible futures I have realised I love animals and recently a vet moved extremely close to us (there are now 2 veterinary offices within walking distance one that is a doable walk even on a not great day). I was thinking perhaps I could try to get a job there cleaning cages or something along those lines part time and then in my other time I can try to be a better “housewife” since right now I am a terrible one. In fact I had my mother over yesterday to help me do some tidying/organizing so that something got done since I will be away over a week and when I return my grandmother will be seeing our place for the first time ever (intact although I have lived with S for 4years now this will be the first time she will have ever seen anywhere we have lived... well that brings up a sore nerve... anyways). The key is although I love my grandma she has always been a little rough around the edges and often says what she wants when she wants without thinking about how soul crushing her words might be, so even if I had this place up to S's expectations of perfect (WAY above my own) she will see the problems.

With the week away being with her my walls I build up while with her would have likely been shot to hell by the time we get back here so anything she says will hit me that much harder but hopefully it will be okay. Last week I was going into a week alone with her with hope, now after talking with some people I am more worried how it will be. Either way it is going to happen and with everything that is happening with selling her house perhaps she will be so distracted or happy about it that everything will be fine.

Clearly I lost my train of thought there, but there is no going back since now my mind is overrun with how the weekend+ week at the cottage with my grandma will go. I will have to remember at the time if it does go bad that I agreed to it since I did want to spend time with her and haven’t alone in ages, but also that it was so I would be able to attend my cousin’s Bridal shower that I otherwise had no way of getting to and I really wanted to be able to be there and see her likely one last time before her wedding.

hello, what is endometriosis, and awaiting my "bad days" with no medication to help.

I am Canadian, been all my life.
Born and raised in ontario.

My life was rather pain free untill the age of 14.
Then the pain began just as my period did.
Almost 4 years later i would learn that my pain, short cycles, and (eww) heavy bleeding were all because of a disease known as Endometriosis.

What is Endometriosis, well that i hope to answer many times, and many ways in this blog.
But i will start with cutting from "the endometriosis association".

Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease that affects 5 1/2 million women and girls in the USA and Canada, and millions more worldwide. It occurs when tissue like that which lines the uterus (tissue called the endometrium) is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus; the area between the vagina and rectum; the outer surface of the uterus; and the lining of the pelvic cavity. Other sites for these endometrial growths may include the bladder, bowel, vagina, cervix, vulva, and in abdominal surgical scars. Less commonly they are found in the lung, arm, thigh, and other locations.

This misplaced tissue develops into growths or lesions which respond to the menstrual cycle in the same way that the tissue of the uterine lining does: each month the tissue builds up, breaks down, and sheds. Menstrual blood flows from the uterus and out of the body through the vagina, but the blood and tissue shed from endometrial growths has no way of leaving the body. This results in internal bleeding, breakdown of the blood and tissue from the lesions, and inflammation -- and can cause pain, infertility, scar tissue formation, adhesions, and bowel problems.



i am starting this blog, since i want to have one, that is about my pain (chronic) that people who either suffer from chronic pain can relate to me, or those who know me can learn to understand things more posibly.

Today i sit here in pain (sitting alone is causing me more pain then laying down was), however i am now in the same room as Scott so we can chit-chat.
I am not to take my perscribed pain meds, my "copeing meds" that were perscribed to me are less effective then i find advil liquid jells to be (and for my daily pain, useless, ... my bad days.. WOW. i think M&M's could work better since at least they are fun coloured so they make me smile. And the chocolate creats happy endorphins!) So the meds i have to make my daily pain "manageble" is of no use to me, I AM takeing it though.... and nooo demerol.. the pain is not sickening today but often is the last few days (now i have to take anti-nausia meds just to not throw up from the pain at times, on my normal days)

My worrie lies with the fact i know i will have some "bad days" comming up. These bad days generaly require the use of heat pads, max demerol, and anti-nausia meds to not be begging to go to emerge to get a shot or iv pain meds. Well this time, although i still have demerol pills i want to show the doctor i am respecting his choice to get me off demerol, (and i do, i do not however respect his not wanting to give me ANYTHING to help with the pain, not even for the bad days comming this week)

So now i sit and worry, perhaps i will be fine as long as i dont move... at all. And take loads of my perscription anti-nausia meds & Gravol so i can sleep through most pain. But if my bad days are anything like they have been the last 5years without pain meds, i think i will be asking Scott to take me to the ER, yet again.

but who knows.