Arch Your Back

Well with surgery coming up I wanted to have some photo's taken, so I at least had a photographed evidence of my breasts "before" surgery, as even if this surgeon pulls off a seamless lumpectomy lets be real, I will have a scar. Though the doctor plans to hide the scar the best she can it will be for at least a couple years visible to anyone who sees me topless. For that reason I decided to enlist the help of a local photographer for some semi boudoir shots, not so much about making it sexy but pretty tops showing my assets as they are today. Photographer: Staceykennedyphotography

I was very nervous about the shoot as I hate when a camera is pointed at me even if I'm fully dressed. When I'm changing and topless I often find myself hiding from S's line of sight, it's just how I am.

We arrived at Stacey's home that she works out of when she does studio shots, and I think that fact it was a home helped me relax a little more. We chatted for a while once inside and that let me feel comfortable with who was behind the camera, something I also wasn't thinking could be possible. With me I've always been uncomfortable in front of cameras no matter now who is holding it, and no matter what photograph editing software I know is available. Sure when I weighed closer to the 100lb mark than the 200lb mark I was a but more comfortable with myself but that was ever only one on one with S and still not around others.

We started out the shoot with it being S and I as I figured family has been asking for some couple portraits of us for years, and it would be the best way to ease into having my photo taken having my sweetheart right by my side. This worked like a charm and we should have some good photos of the two of us out of it to share with family. This for them will mean being able to take down photos of us that they currently use that are between 5 and 6years old hehe (I really do avoid the camera).

Eventually my top came off and more photos were taken, will have to wait and see about how comfortable I am with them when I actually see them but I managed to relax during much of the shoot and even have fun.

The whole point of the shoot was so that I would have some nice photos to help sooth me going into surgery as I might come out looking rather different and it's a very scary thought. These photos in a way give me the ability to accept I might look rather altered in a week or so but have evidence of how I look today and that somehow helps.

I would never have expected to be needing to have part of my breast removed for medical reasons at 26 heck I don't think I'd have been able to imagine such necessity until 50+ at the earliest but here lies reality. That is the thing though, there's so much about my life and my health more specifically that I would never have thought could possibly happen to me or to such an extent. If I really dig into my thoughts about it all I know I'll cry and throw myself a pity party and that's not why I mention it. What I'm thinking about is you never know what might happen and in my life I try not to have regrets but like everyone I too have some. I find I would rather do something that perhaps others might question than later find myself regretting not having done what I wanted at that time. The "boobie photo shoot" is just that, I know some might look down on it but if I end up totally disfigured before the month is out I much rather have these photos than be wishing I had gotten them done.

Don't worry, I know I won't likely be badly disfigured (at least not with the surgeon I ended up booking with) but anything can happen. So you have to be prepared on one hand but also enjoy life as it happens and not get caught up in what others might think but do what is right for you. I don't plan on trying to be someone big and important so hell even if the photos all got out, I might be embarrassed but I'd be A-okay The best and funny moment of the evening, there I am sitting with studio lights on me being told to arch my back, Stacey clues in it sounds like she's shooting a porno with the directions she's giving me and I can't help but laugh cause although it sure isn't porn I was sitting there topless on someone else's bed in a house I'd never been to before while my partner looks on from a few feet away. It was a funny moment and I look forward to seeing how it translated to film (or digital pixels in this case).

So remember ladies, arch your back as good posture is important ha-ha.

Two more Appointments Known

Appointments are coming together

Yesterday I got a phone call from my general surgeon’s office about when I will go through pre-op questions, hand in my pre-op questionnaire, have an exam and blood work taken at the hospital Guelph hospital. Wednesday June 5^th I will be meeting an unspecified nurse to go over all the pre-op paperwork and also so she can any questions I might still have. That said I plan on writing up a letter to fax Dr. Mylene Ward’s of questions I have thought of since leaving the office last Friday as she told me whatever questions I think of after leaving the office she would answer no problem.

Then on June 7^th I will be meeting the anesthesiologist who will be the one putting me under for my lumpectomy. With the medications I take on a regular basis it was concluded that I should at least get the opportunity to talk it over with the anesthesiologist as he should know before the day of surgery what I’m on, and be able to make suggestions if necessary. This should also prevent the possibility of arriving for surgery only to be told I can’t be put under general anesthesia due to this medication or that, as that would be a total piss off.

Now as it stands the only appointment I am still waiting for is the Wire localization and that I already know is happening the morning of surgery I just don’t know exactly what time. When I know the time of the wire localization procedure I will know what time I have to head to the Guelph general hospital the day I’m having my lumpectomy or more specifically “Left Breast excisional biopsy with preoperative wire localization”

Boobie- situation May 24th

This update i wrote after getting home from the most recent surgeon (and the next morning), later i will go back and write an actual post about each surgeon apt in more in depth if only so others can know that if your truly uncomfortable because of a surgeon or the idea of them cutting you open terrifies you because of them (and not the idea of surgery itself) its worth being stuburn about seeing someone else. Might not always work but i am currently very glad i stuck with my feelings and thoughts.

                   "Boobie- situation update as of May 24th

Today I met a third general surgeon (or 4^th doctor) in 3weeks. What a month, well last few months being told I have a lump, found by a total fluke and oh by the way you might have cancer in addition to everything else. My coping skills with any stressors have sort-of disappeared and because of the level of anxiety it seems some of my medications for other health issues have quit working of course leaving me more uncomfortable and on edge, but with where things are now I am hoping I can get back to at least a reasonable level of managing life again.

Cliff-notes:
found a surgeon I like, and who is able to do the surgery, surgery is booked. Will have tumor removed at Guelph general hospital June 14^th.

Detailed:
1^st surgeon (out of Kitchener) as I said in last message left me more confused, unsure and scared (and also made it clear that he had no concern or care about how surgery would leave me looking as he “knows many women with breast cancer and none of them care how they look, they are all just very happy to be alive”), my issue with that quote is from the women I know it’s wrong, second we don’t even know if I have cancer yet so a 3-5” scar across the top would leave me upset, extra if I know it’s possible to be avoided. There were other issues with him but the one that I think might bring the best understanding is that reading size 12font with glasses on seemed impossible for him. I left the appointment of meeting this dr. in tears as I had no idea how tricky it might be to try to see another surgeon. All in all I did not want that dr cutting on me. 

 

Grand River Hospital Kitchener

Luckily my family dr. had no issue giving me another referral once I stated I was uncomfortable with the first surgeon. My discomfort was enough for him without logical reasons to back it up.

                                 

 

 Groves Memorial Hospital Fergus

 

 2^nd surgeon (from Fergus) I really liked. She couldn’t do the surgery however, or at least not in the best way. Due to my situation* for surgery they need a wire-localization done before I go in the OR and with the Fergus hospital smaller than most, they don’t have the equipment. She could do surgery on my but would have to do so blindly, cut out more and hope for the best. Doing so means she would do her best but without a way to get visuals in the OR or have it marked for her she could miss part or all of the tumour and I’d have to have a 2^nd surgery. For this reason she said although she could do the surgery it wasn’t good patient care when other doctors could do it with better odds of doing it right, she said she’s refer me to one of 2 surgeons in Guelph that she liked and sent women in my situation to. That said I was still debating if I’d go with her as she made me feel much more relaxed about everything and in charge of the situation. 

 

Guelph General Hospital

3r surgeon (from Guelph) I met yesterday afternoon. Not only does she make me feel relaxed, normal and such I feel confident she will do surgery well and she is the one who brought up the *idea* of trying to make it so hopefully I won`t look much different after the surgery, and discussed how she would go about that. She also was the first person to take into consideration the medications I’m on and conclude I should perhaps talk to the anesthesiologist so they understand what I’m on and a better plan can be worked out. Surgery with her has been booked.

So this is the timetable:

1.       ________ (will learn apt date/time next week) Will meet with the anesthesiologist who will be in my surgery at Guelph G.H. to go over my medications, what I should or shouldn’t take the day or the week of surgery (as some of my medications are in patch form).

2.      ________ (will learn apt date/time next week) Pre-op clinic appointment. Will have blood work done, oxygen levels taken, height/weight/pulse, and other questions asked. I will be told how to prepare for surgery, what to expect and discharge plan.

3.      June 14^th  ____ (morning don’t k now time yet) Will go to Guelph General Hospital to have my wire localization procedure done by radiologist. If unsure what this is and care to know more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68RxrTtNnQs

 

 

 

  

 

 

4.      June 14^th 10:15am have to be in Guelph general Day-surgery wing for prepping to start

5.      June 14^th  12:15pm Left Breast excisional biopsy with preoperative wire localization surgery will begin. Basically it’s a lumpectomy but as the tumor their excising still needs farther studying to know if I have cancer or not it’s called an excisional biopsy. The surgery should take under 60minutes. The incision will try to be hidden as best as possible, if it is possible in order to conserve my present appearance. After surgery I will be moved to recovery where I will wake up, and after I am alert enough to leave, and able regain control over my body parts that might have been impaired due to aspects of surgery I will be sent home. S will be at the hospital for much of the day and will be bringing me back home that afternoon or evening as long as all goes to plan. If anyone wants to reach us he will likely be playing on his cellphone whenever possible to kill time, and unless for some reason we get home really late or something unexpected happens he will likely be checking his email/Facebook when home that evening, and possibly mine.

 

6.      June 27^th Post-op appointment to see how I am healing and such IF pathology on my tumor is back at this point this is also where I will learn what the tumor was and if cancer/malignant what will happen next as that would possibly mean more surgery. If pathology is not yet back than I guess I wait till it is and learn the results from my family dr. perhaps.

* my situation is not only is my tumor not very large so hard to locate for others by touch who don’t feel pain once they locate it, I also have fibrocystic breasts so it is not the only lump they can feel the last to surgeons both agree it’s in the midst of 3-5 lumps they can feel, some larger that the tumor that their concerned about. This also allows them to understand why at 19, and again at 26 (and would have between if I had a local family dr.) I’ve gone for breast imaging as self-breast exams for me are next to useless as I’ve always been able to find something it is just a matter of will it go away in a day, week, or few months. The tumor they are worried about I’d felt before and that left me feeling like I should have let them know sooner, but heck there are 3other lumps I’ve been able to find for the past 6months too depending on when I do a self-exam and none of them are anything to worry about so I can’t report every bump I find or I’d never leave the dr’s office.

Boobie Situation Email Update April 27

Boobie update email i sent out as of April 27

"This is an update email, even though i don't feel like there is much to update about. So this is i guess a non-update update. I am sending this because even though there is not much new health related info i know some of what is going on was shared and either details were not expressed clearly or the wrong information was given out. So once again i state as clear as possible, i am being this open about my current health situation so that, that exact scenario doesn't happen.  (That being incorrect information given to others, something i don't want happening).

For those who didn't get my 1st email update about what's been going on i will add it as an attachment you can look over (as this is not an email, i already uploaded the original email to the blog, its the last post), for those who already know was going on here goes the "update" as of today.

April 2nd i went in for my breast MRI (that was ordered by a general surgeon so he'd have the images before meeting me). I had been waiting over 2 weeks since the MRI expecting a call from the surgeons office to be given an appointment as i had been told i would get one as soon as they had received my results. When i gave in and called the surgeons office i was told they hadn't yet received the MRI results as were still waiting, but gave me an appointment anyways, one that was far enough away that they thought they would for sure have the results by then. The appointment they gave me (my pre-op appointment) is may 6th. The next day i called the MRI clinic and asked about my results, they say they had already been sent weeks ago so who knows who dropped that ball, thankfully they sent the mri results again, and this time i know the surgeon has them (as of this past Tuesday April 23rd). This past Friday i was still hoping now that the surgeon had the imaging that they might contact me with a closer appointment and on that hope i put off sharing the date i currently did know with some family who i know wants to know as much as possible in case it the date changed and hoped to know everything (like if i did or did not have cancer) before the end of April so they could go on vacation knowing what the situation was. Clearly this won't be happening. 

 (this is how you look for a breast MRI)

So since the last mass email all thats really happened is i've had my MRI with and without contrast (went smoothly) and been given an appointment date of may 6th to meet my future surgeon (ended up not to be, but at this point i wrote this, this is what i understood). Somewhere in the middle of having my MRI and getting my next breast related appointment i got a copy of my biopsy report (or so i thought, turns out the reception at my family dr. doesn't know a biopsy repot with pathology vs a letter explaining the biopsy); it states  i have a papillary lesion in my left breast but beyond that it only explained how the biopsy was taken (core needle) and size (can't recall the exacts, and am not going to hunt down the photocopy right now either).

For those who want to know a little more;

"Papillary lesions are benign growths in the duct of the breast. They comprise approximately 1 to 3 percent of all lesions sampled by core needle biopsies. Certain breast lesions such as papillary lesions diagnosed as benign on core needle biopsy have cancer at surgical excision and thus should always be removed. The study shows that all papillary lesions of the breast should be surgically excised to avoid missing a cancer"

 When i know more, i will happily share more. Updates will follow my May6th appointment.

Other random tidbits:
Found someone i can get some of the post-op bras i need from :D without having to fork over $60-120 each for them YAY.

Now for my sap-fest:
 In the last Month or so I've also located someone local i can talk with about all of this who understands not only the "Boobie situation" as i like to call it, but the other side of my life, the one that doesn't just disappear because something more scary has shown up. She understands living each day in pain and not always being able to do what others can let alone what we ourselves might want to do on any given day (and by this i mean things like, go for a walk with your partner on a nice day, stand at the counter and wash dishes for a half hour, not exactly extraordinary things). I'm also very thankful for 2 other girlfriends, one i've known from grade 7 and another friend  who i've known less than a year and I am very thankful for their ability to talk me through some of my bigger meltdown days and dealing with some of the drama that apparently comes with multiple illnesses and a breast tumor haha. I'm very thankful for all the love and support i've received from my other friends and family. No matter the outcome of my future surgery i will no doubt keep needing this support so thank you for being there and understanding what i say in these updates, along with and why i a saying it all. S's been great with all of this, and i'm hopeful he will be able to be there for me when my surgery date comes, (either have the day off or can take it off) as i can no longer imagine going in that day without him beside me (this will of course depend on when they book me for surgery).

thanks again for reading this, if you are being sent this and you don't want to be getting these "updates" please simply email me back and let me know and i will make it so you won't receive these messages. (as your choosing to read this on my blog, this doesn't apply simply close the window if you dont want to read this)"