another teary day

My pain is not only destroying me. It has been crapping all over my life for a while now, but now it is crapping on the only thing good in my life.

I don’t know how to make it not ruin anything more, other than stop being in pain, and stop being on pain meds. The problem there is I have tried lots to not be in pain, and the other options are terrifying to me. The other issue is even if they do work; their side effects would likely make me loose Scott.

Since as depressed as I am now, I know it is nothing compared to what happens when my hormones are messed with. No one wants to be around me then, not even my own parents. I turn into a suicidal monster of a person.

On the other hand going as I am is ruining things also. I can’t think about the future, I do when I am day dreaming, but in it I am always healthy again. When will that future happen? Scott can no longer see the future either, my pain is eating him.

I love Scott so much, yet the pain I have is not only ruining things for me anymore but for us.
My next pain management appointment is in a couple weeks I believe. In a perfect world I could walk in and tell him the pain is still crippling me and ruining my life and that we need to do something about it so I can function like a “normal” person. The reality is I will go and he will refill my prescriptions if I am lucky, (he I believe will refill my Tramadol, but unsure about Demerol since it is my old family doc who would normally prescribe it).

I need less pain. Less pain would make it so I could do more, help around the house more, get a job, and be a better person. Less pain would mean I would be less depressed. Less pain would likely mean I wouldn’t fear the things I am, the things that if pain stays it sounds like will happen.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am laying here on max Demerol still in allot of pain (max Demerol on top of Tramadol) with a heating pad on my lap. I think if it gets worse later today I will taxi it to the local hospital perhaps they can give me a few hours without pain, and a few solid minutes of sleep. This will give me a break, but depending when I go it might also give Scott a break.

I barley slept last night even though I was beyond exhausted, took me over an hour and a half to fall asleep. Then I woke up loads of times because of pain, once at 8am (were on afternoons so that is the middle of the night for us) to the point I was crying from the pain, but was in too much pain to move or do anything about it, and Scott looked asleep so I couldn’t bug him. Somehow I fell back asleep till 12, at that point I hobbled down the stairs and took a Demerol and as it kicked in I fell back asleep for a few minutes then woke up again from another pain surge. This time the alarm was going and Scott was not in bed. Turns out he barley slept at all last night either because of my pain and whimpering and moving around. Tonight if pain as bad, I told him I would sleep on the couch, so he can get some decent sleep. He needs his sleep seeing as he works hard all week, and hard around here. Then he looks after me, I am worse in neediness then a child and he has always said he didn’t want a child (he did not say those things together, I am the one making those parallels).

Not going to lie, moments like this the thought of cutting out my inners is welcomed while they cause me this much pain, I often joke about it. The reality of that idea is far different when I am not on so much Demerol and still unable to move.